On Throwing Hard Objects at Landycakes: A Memoir

Fandom in the Houston sports scene is a terrifying thing. In my brief...yet painful...22 years as a Houston sports fan, I have developed a devotion as intense as it is self-destructive. Crack addicts have an easier time dealing with their addictions. And while my housemates have yet to find me curled in a dark corner, I must admit that I've audibly offered favors to referees for a little "bump". Many of you, I am sure, are still suffering from the aftershock of our most recent setback. Follow me through the jump to witness my particular experience. Also, (Bonus!) a list of responses that should be helpful in the grieving process...

I watch Houston sports with the same sense of cautious optimism and violent agitation that could be expected from an inmate. This, sadly, results in a bevy of public transgressions that my friends have come to expect. Including, but not limited to:

1. Physical (and verbal) assault on a wall after Schaub's INT against the Raiders.

2. Challenging Ron Artest, from the 3rd row, to another stand brawl when the Kings came to town in '07 (which turned to nominations for presidency in '08, which turned to further offers of physical confrontation in '09). Metta World Peace will find little of his namesake in Houston if the NBA ever returns...but I digress...

3. Verbal assaults levied from amongst the Texian Army towards every visiting keeper I've ever witnessed. 

This cocktail of violence and lack of respect for public boundaries was, luckily, restrained during the MLS Cup. This was partially (read: completely) due to my choice of viewing location. I watched the game on ESPN3 in my University's library during a weak attempt to finish a final paper. While I was not able to pound out a legible discussion on the importance of Paul's letter to the Galatians, I did leave a sizable dent in the table I sat at. Muted by the library's silence policy, my seething rage was left to manifest itself in mouthing unforgivable obscenities and assaulting the aforementioned desk. 

But, as any grief counselor will tell you, this suppression of emotional release only served to make the aftermath of the match even more painful. I longed for an outlet for my rage, which is why I've sought to lay out my grief in this post. Still, I long for the peace some must have achieved at the HDC. So, for those of you who are in my position, here are some options:

1. While I do not support the response of some fans, who in the 90th minute chose to throw hard objects at Landycakes' head, that must have felt very soothing. So, instead of being arrested for assault, maybe purchase a fathead (which must not do any favors to his bald-spot) and a pack of AAs. Then, enjoy the emotional release of battering his image like a drunk Serbian Ultra (who, I might add, are despicable representatives for an otherwise excellent country). 

2. Become a Dynamo player and get a chance to defend Beckham in the last 5 minutes. I cant remember who it was, but one Dynamo member took the opportunity to trip Bend It in closing moments. He didnt aim for the knee or form tackle him like Beckham did Costly, but his smile afterwards was all-too-apparent. That must have felt great...

3. Remember that 3 months ago we were written off as impotent away from home, sterile in attack, and suffering from ED in the final 15. The final 10ish games of this season reminded me of our first 3 seasons. And that is what is most important. ESPN, Soccer By Ives, and others game Houston all of 3 minutes in pre-match coverage, instead choosing to focus on the DP-heavy Galaxy. Thats fine. Thats what the media is all about. But know that, despite most likely losing Danny Cruz in the Expansion Draft, next season will be infinitely more positive. Houstonians are eternal underdogs: a role we should embrace full-heartedly. With a bad taste in our mouths, and a pocket full of (metaphorical) batteries, we will be a force in the "East" come May. 

And if that doesn't happen, IKEA still makes easily-smashed desks. That should help.

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