Bold Season Predictions, Through Orange Glasses

Less than a month until first kick and you know what's coming. Yep, time for everyone who knows soccer, or thinks they know soccer, to make their predictions. Well, I'm going to beat them to the punch. Here are my orange tinted predictions for 2013. First I'll make some general MLS predictions and then get to the good part, the Dynamo predictions. Here we go.


  • Donovan finally shows up at the Galaxy for training but is turned away by security guards thinking he was some homeless beach bum. Eventually a member of the team recognizes him hanging around the parking lot and he is allowed to enter. Training doesn’t quite go smoothly after Donovan announces that he had found “soccer enlightenment”. During the keep away drill, Donovan repeatedly gives the ball over because “it’s not nice to not share”. Donovan also refuses to score any goals in the scrimmage because “everyone deserves to win”. Donovan was useful as a training cone during his meditation session, though. After the training session, Bruce Arena was seen weeping on the shoulder of an unidentified Galaxy fan.

  • Montreal decides that MLS is too small for them and joins Serie A. Exactly how this was arranged is a mystery but Saputo did fly to Zurich with a lot of luggage just prior to the announcement. In unrelated news, Italy announces that it has solved its national debt crisis but their national language is now French and FIFA president Joseph S. Blatter unveils a new golden throne for his office.

  • Toronto will have a winning record this year! The two Toronto fans left celebrate by drinking themselves into oblivion. Which isn’t really different than what they did the previous losing seasons.

  • Proponents of MLS following the European schedule are buried under 3 feet of snow – in New England, in March.

  • The one remaining Chivas fan is turned away when it is discovered that he roots for the US and not Mexico.

  • Sounder fans are voted “the most obnoxious” by the rest of MLS.

  • An enormous tifo comes to life and eats the soccer stadium and everyone in it.

  • Garber decides to clean up the language on and off the soccer field. Players will be fined for saying anything other than “Darn”, “Oh Bother”, “Gee Whiz”, and “Golly”. Fans can cheer on their teams by shouting (politely of course so as to not to disturb anyone), “Here Here”, “Bravo”, “Cheers”, and “Good Show”. Anyone found saying something other will promptly removed from the stadium and their mouths washed out with soap.


  • They will be the first team to take the Quad – Champions League, US Open Cup, Supporters Shield, and MLS Cup!

  • The Dynamo will once again be undefeated at home.

  • Dominic Kinnear will again endear himself to a Central American referee.

  • Moffat will again demoralize a goalkeeper with a rocket from 40 yards out.

  • The Bear will dance – many, many times.

  • Tally will double his number of shut-outs.

  • Boswell will make a forward look foolish. Very foolish.

  • Ching will close out his career with a spectacular overhead kick. All children born after that will be named Brian, girls and boys.

  • Wade Barrett will decide to save the team airfare by running to all the away games.

  • Brad Davis will set the assist record for a single season. In fact he is so good, defenders just fall to their knees in despair whenever he has the ball.

  • Steve Ralston will be offered the head coaching position at Chivas after Chelis is fired. Steve hurts himself falling off the chair laughing. Once he recovers his breath, he politely declines but he does suggest that Peter Nowak might be available.

Views and opinions expressed in FanPosts are representative of the user alone. They do not represent the opinions of Dynamo Theory, its editors or its writers.

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