Four games without a goal, clearly the Dynamo offense is cursed

USA TODAY Sports

It's becoming clear that the Houston Dynamo's offense has been cursed by some unknown force or power.

With Sunday's 2-0 loss to the New York Red Bulls, the Houston Dynamo are now winless since late May (an Open Cup win over Tuscon FC) and have failed to even scored a goal since a 1-1 draw against the Columbus Crew on June 1st.

The Dynamo are frustrated, the fans are frustrated, the opponents are loving this...it's just not good right now to be Forever Orange. Fortunately in MLS, you can survive stretches like this and still make it far in the playoffs. There's also the little issues of the team having been without Brad Davis and Boniek Garcia for most of this slump that leads to the idea that this is a bump in the road and not a full out train wreck.

However, there could be more to this offensive nightmare than just bad luck and missing players. The Dynamo could be cursed! CURSED I TELL YOU!

Good news though, I've scoured the internet and discovered various ways to break a curse, which I will outline here for you. Be sure to direct all your energy and resistance north towards the Frisco area, because that's the most likely source of these problems.

This of course is my pathway to greatness because after all, Dan Shaughnessy made up a bunch of horse s*** about a curse surrounding the Boston Red Sox and made millions selling books about his cockamamie theory.

Sorcerer's Curse

Maybe the Dynamo have been stricken by an angry sorcerer who has some kind of vendetta against the team. Perhaps it's a 30 something guy living in his Mom's basement wearing red and green robes and playing Dungeons and Dragons all the time.

If this hoopy sorcerer has cursed the Dynamo, here's what we need to to:

Light a new white candle and burn any of the following incense in a fireproof container: cloves, frankincense, hyacinth, lilac, pine or sage.

Hold a lucky rabbit's foot charm over your heart and repeat the following incantation thirteen times: "With rabbit's foot and magick verse, I turn around this wicked curse. As these words of mine are spoken, ket this evil spell be broken."

Repeat this spell nightly (using a brand-new candle each time) until the phase of the New Moon. Wrap the leftover wax from the candles in a white piece of cotton and then bury it in the ground in a secret spot where it will remain undisturbed.

Curse of Unknown Origin

Since we really don't know the source of the curse, perhaps this plan of action would work best

"Spell and magick be gone (repeat 3x), that has been placed on me by person(s) known or unknown to me. Go back from whence you came, remain with whom you came from. Be with who you were sent by"

Then visualize a pyramid going over you.

"I am under universal light and universal protection, nothing less then universal perfection can touch me were I am, the forces of this spell do leave So mote it be."

Break and Return the Curse

If you're feeling particularly vindictive, here's how to both break the curse and send it back to the evil scalawag who case it upon the Dynamo.

  1. Clean a black candle with a wet sponge and then leave to dry.
  2. Bless the candle with the following words: "Cleansed and Blessed Are Thee, Now to Perform Thy Service for Me".
  3. Using the tip of a knife or needle inscribe either-- the name of the person you seek to overcome (If you don't know the name inscribe "him" or "her")-- or problem you seek to overcome
  4. With olive or sunflower that you have blessed to the service of the Lord nad Lady anoint at the candle's centre and slowly go to the top of the candle and back to the centre.
  5. Next go from the centre-slowly-to the bottom before again returning to the centre.

This 7 day ritual should begin on the first Saturday after a Full moon. Light the candle you prepared earlier and repeat 9 times this spell: "Black is Evil, and the Evil Visited Upon Me Is Returned to This Candle. As This Candle Burns So Burns, Also, The Heart of The Curser. Cursed is the Curser! Free is the Wronged!"

--

Just in case you're taking any of this seriously, please don't start trying to cast spells or break curses because I refuse to be responsible if you unleash a hell demon upon the earth because you're messing around with dangerous magic.

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