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Parody: Dynamo Transfer Rumors!

After spending countless minutes asking Houston Dynamo Team President Chris Canetti about the tactics they will use in the upcoming summer transfer window, we've managed to secure a leaked email sent to international clubs.

We have no money, but apparently Oscar de la Hoya believes the club could land Ronaldo, Messi and Chicharito. His tactics, however, may be less than quality. (PARODY)
We have no money, but apparently Oscar de la Hoya believes the club could land Ronaldo, Messi and Chicharito. His tactics, however, may be less than quality. (PARODY)
Gonzalo Arroyo Moreno

Disclaimer: This is a parody story intended purely to poke fun at the current salary budget situation the Houston Dynamo find themselves in and is NOT intended to be taken literally, figuratively, or realistically. In other words: you've been warned. It's not REAL.

After spending countless minutes badgering, I mean, interviewing, Chris Canetti and other Front Office personnel from the Houston Dynamo, we've managed to secure a copy of a leaked copy of a leaked document of a leaked envelope containing a leaked scan of a leaked phone image of an email sent out to multiple high-tier international football and soccer clubs in Europe, South America and Asia. Oddly, none of them were from North America, but I digress. You want to see the goods, right?

Dear friend,

Based on the further explicit transfer information about your club from my research i wish to engage in a transfer with your club under your supervision.

I am Oscar de la Hoya, the Golden Boy of Golden Boy Productions, and part owner of the Major League Soccer club, Houston Dynamo. I save your time by not amplifying my extended sporting franchise history, which has already been disseminated by the international media during the controversial dispute that erupted resulting from the incident occurring due to some questionable as charged photographs, incident has now been refuted as being the false.

As you may know from the international media, The MLS had accused me of improprieties and mismanagement of my companies with impropriety of us $14.8 million dollars this was as a result of the recent US Financial crisis that made my company Golden Boy Development Company and government owned Hoya Investment company to be declared bankrupt during his tenure in the office. However I was kept under house arrest, my bank account and private properties including a well experienced center back Bobby Boswell and an up and coming forward Calen Carr were later confiscated by the league to avoid further prosecution from the international media and there operatives, but before I could do that I was placed under house arrest by the league and not have access to phone but I have a palm V hand -held computer from which I am sending you this mail. Some of the guard here are still loyal to me, so they would be my contact with you if there is any documents I need to send to you to enable you have access to this transfer and approvals of it for me.

Before my in-castration, I went ahead to dispatch the players of value of five million United States Dollars {USD$5,000,000.00} in cash under special arrangement into the custody of different private clubs and leagues and others for safe keeping abroad. The players where splited and kept in the following countries, : in Canada, France, Spain, Holland and in London. Firstly, you will be required to travel to London to claim the player there before prceeding to other countries.

I seek your good assistance to transfers these players into a profitable starting lineup to facilitate future survival for my companys investments abroad. After due deliberation with my aids we decides to offer a certain player to you as compensation for your co-operation and kind sincerity to carry out this assignment.

Since there will be an expenditure from your side, I will advice you not to worry about it because you will be reimburse any amount you may transfer as to enable this transaction get to it's final dream, for both local and international expenses will be given to you back while you will be part of the beneficiary of any investment made with this player, to add to that, I will like to let to your understand that all this is not part of your financial compensation that will be given to you.

During this dispensation Please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a swift conclusion of this transfer. Many thanks and blessing remains with you.

Finally, your financial compensation will be the 15% of the total cash of transfers. That is 15% of ( u.s $5,000,000.00 ).


Oscar de la Hoya

As you can see, these documents should hold up to scrutiny, and we fully expect the transfer in and out of multiple players to result in the signing of Chicharito, Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo in due time.