clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Bust out the tarot cards: We help Don Garber see the future of MLS

Dynamo Theory takes a look into the future to help MLS Commissioner Don Garber figure out what MLS will look like in two years.

Noah K. Murray-USA TODAY Sports

On Friday, the Associated Press released an interview with MLS Commissioner Don Garber in which he offered this little nugget:

We're still going through these unique phases that are determining what this league will look like. We don't know what MLS will look like two years from now.

That seems a bit of a concerning comment for a commissioner that expects MLS to be a top world league by 2022.

Dynamo Theory thought we might be able to help give Don an idea of what MLS will look like in a couple seasons so that he could start working on that long-term plan of his. We busted out Gribbs' tarot cards, laid them out on the table, and have learned what is happening around the league in 2017.

  • Remember that "big move" Zlatan Ibrahimovic was talking about last week? Ibra takes his talents to USL's Richmond Kickers, shunning Major League Soccer. Not to be outdone, Commissioner Garber instates promotion-relegation in MLS to ensure that the Swedish superstar ends up in the top division sooner or later.
  • The New York Red Bulls officially rebrand as the New Jersey Red Bulls. This opens up the door for Don Garber to establish another New York City team, "We've always wanted two teams in New York. Now's the time to do it." It's still not the Cosmos.
  • Speaking of which, New York City FC signs Frank Lampard to a one-year deal after his initial contract runs out. The Manchester City legend is finally cleared for training and begins looking forward to his third ever match for the club.
  • Jurgen Klinsmann coaches the Philadelphia Union to the Northeast Division's championship but falls in regulation to New England Football Club. The Union are outshot 26-4.
  • Freddy Adu reignites his career in 2015 with NASL's Tampa Bay Rowdies. Two years later, he signs as LAFC's first Designated Player, alongside Cristiano Ronaldo. The Portuguese world-beater would later tell Associated Press writer Ted Westervelt that it's "the most fun I've ever had playing."
  • MLS opens up to the global gambling game and assigns Mark Geiger as Senior Director of Competitive Betting due to his years of previous experience in the industry.
  • Rumors are flying as David Beckham's Inter Miami FC expansion is put in jeopardy. With no stadium options left, Beckham is devastated to learn that his potential field site has begun hosting recreational adult softball and the team faces a move to San Antonio.
  • In a monumental feat, the 2018 CBA is negotiated early and details are released. Players receive an additional $5 per day for meals while owners are allowed to take one player's lunch money on each road trip.
  • BBVA Compass Stadium installs a grid network of misters suspended over the field to help alleviate the difficult humidity. By the end of 2017, the Houston Dynamo set the record for most goals scored in a season.
  • MLS looks to expand into St. Louis in the coming years and decides the most likely scenario is to move FC Dallas. Don Garber explains, "look, we really wanted to make Dallas work but over the years we've come to realize that it's just a terrible city. It's a blight on our planet and God save us all if that is the first place that aliens make contact."
It was at this point that we ran out of tarot cards. We suspect our readers might have access to a crystal ball or Ouija board, though, and we'd love to hear what you learn about the Dynamo and the league in 2017. Share your findings with us below.